This is Angela. I feel led to share with you from my heart the reason why I write and share my intimate prayers and thoughts here on this blog.
I carry a lot of things today that would have killed me in the past.
I tried to kill myself many times until the last time when I know that the Lord intervened directly and showed me that He loves me and that I have not fulfilled my purpose on this earth and in this life, yet.
I tried to commit suicide because I could not find hope. I could not bear my sins. I felt guilt and shame over my past. I didn’t love myself at all. I hated myself. I used drugs prescribed by the doctors to try to get better, but I also abused some of them. I also started drinking at one point. Even after the last suicide attempt, it took quite a while to really understand who I am and more importantly who God is, who Jesus is, what the Holy Spirit does and who I am in Christ. So, I also became involved in many things that showed me that there is only one answer: Jesus!
I was sexually abused as a child at 3 yrs old and then from 5 yrs old up to 12 yrs old. My birth parents divorced when I was very young and I never knew my birth father after that. My mother re-married and I love my step-father and call him “Daddy.” But the sexual molestation contributed to me thinking that my self-worth and love were tied to being attractive and being with a man who wanted me. Also, the door to perversion was opened and I have had issues with sexual relations.
In my search for counseling, therapy, medications, remedies, relief and advice to make all of my emotional pain and self-hatred go away, I turned to the occult at one point. I attended seances, meetings where spirits were “channeled” and stone lay out healing sessions and training. I allowed myself to be hypnotized and have “spiritual” healing. I bought tons of books and read them on many subjects related to New Age beliefs as well as Native American spiritual beliefs. I was involved with people who believed in aliens and abductions and that there are good and bad aliens. I bought books about how to cast spells and make talismans, etc. I also followed pastors who are part of the “prosperity” movement, or “name it and claim it” ministries. I listened to those who say that you can have all the blessings of God and His promises without talking about following Christ and obeying His voice.
Keep in mind that I was saved at 7 yrs old. I was baptized at that time. I was full of joy and hope and love for my Savior. I loved to worship Him in song. I saw myself growing up and praising the Lord and leading others in praising Him. I never dreamed of fame or being a country or rock singer. I always only wanted to praise the Lord and sing for Him and His glory.
On my journey, as I have worked out my own salvation with fear and trembling, I have gotten lost – sidetracked – stuck – turned around – been up, down, sideways, upside down ….
But I always knew in my heart that God is real. I have always known down inside that Jesus loves me. There have just been times when my faith has been tested, refined and tried. I have not always followed through. I have not always had the understanding, wisdom, knowledge or discernment to do the right thing. I have not always used the resources that God has actually given to me to stay true to Him in my walk.
But, even in my weakness… He has always remained true and faithful. He has kept me, found me, raised me, picked me up out of that miry clay, turned me back around, sheltered me, protected me and saved me. I have never been alone. He has always guided me.
I share. I write. I tell. I sing.
Because of my great burdens that He has lifted. Because of my understanding of who He is. Because of my understanding of who I am IN HIM.
I share, write, tell and sing….
Because I know that there are many of you out there who are going through at least one thing that I have been through and you need to hear that Jesus loves you and is powerful enough to save you and make you new and make you whole!
Because I know that there are many of you that need to know that you cannot fall too far to return to Jesus! If you feel a tug on your heart’s strings to turn to Him.. He is right here with us and willing to renew you, again, again, again, and again. Keep turning to Jesus. Never give up!
I also write and share and sing because I hurt and feel compassion for anyone going through what I have gone through.
And for those who are married to, a mother to, a father to, a sister to, a brother to….. anyone going through what I have gone through and that have not yet met Jesus and who do not know who He is and who they are in Christ.
Another thing! I was saved at 7. I knew the Lord for many years as a child, a teen, a young adult, a thirty-something and over 40. I have times of intimacy with Jesus at all of those periods of time and yet to look at my life you would think that I didn’t know Jesus during those times of struggle, outright seasons of rebellion/sin and times of doubt. But I never denounced Jesus and I tried to find some of His truth in many areas where I got lost and stuck. I was always wishing that I could find some real answers. I just didn’t read my Bible for it at times… I just didn’t seek the Lord for myself… My point is that we do not know a man or a woman’s heart. Only the Lord does. We are called to share the truth in love with others and if they are not changed by that or they do no want to listen, then we will not be held accountable. But share the truth in love when you have the chance. Don’t discount anyone just because it looks like they don’t care about the Lord or that their hearts don’t seem like they could be touched by His love. Don’t give up on your loved one. Keep lifting them to the Lord in prayer and keep believing in the good that He can do in and through them and their life. Forgive them and ask God to forgive them and bring them back into the fold. That is what the Good Shepherd longs to do and will do.
My other reason for sharing is to comfort those who are going through anything that seems too hard or too much or not worth it. A love relationship with Jesus is worth it! Like I said, I carry burdens today that would have killed me earlier in my walk with the Lord. I actually do not carry the burdens, Jesus does! And that is amazing and WOW and you have to know Jesus to know what I mean.. experience it for yourself. Cast your burdens on Him and see that His yoke is easy. When you are yoked to Jesus – He really carries the load, not you. He is a gentle teacher and He will carry you through the tough lessons!
I have hurt that I feel today because sin in my life, in my family’s life, my husband, my children and even friends and extended family, even the sin of our culture and society, our nation and the world…. sorrows me, troubles me, disturbs me and causes me to cry out to the Lord. I really understand how our sin affects others around us. I really feel like I wish we could all just stop our sin immediately and just worship the Lord and love Him and each other. And we could. That is why I just want more of Jesus, more of the Father, more of the Holy Spirit. But we live in the world and we do have the aspect of worshiping the Lord with our lives and in our relationships with others. And that is where we can get stuck, lost, distracted and tripped up.
While we live this life I believe we should realize that we are in training for eternity. My picture of how this life can be viewed in order to help us understand what we are doing here is to think about it like we are in training for a greater vision, a greater glory and an eternal mission. This is just the part where we learn everything we need to know about how to rely on God for everything so that in eternity we really understand that nothing can compare to Him and we can carry out our eternal purpose with a sureness of His goodness that we would not understand without living out our faith in Him in the flesh. How we learn to love as Christ loved us while here on this earth is what will really count in eternity. That is how we store treasure in heaven – by loving others and leading them to love Jesus and to know Him as we have come to know Him. His kingdom here on earth is us loving each other and taking care of each other.
These are my thoughts. These are some of the reasons why I take the time to do this blog. It is my prayer and my desire to glorify God, to see His glory, to lift up the name of Jesus, to bring comfort to the lost and hurting, to shine the light in darkness, to see us loosed from bondage and captivity, to see the enemy lose his place in our lives as we continue to make Jesus supreme and Lord of our lives and to proclaim the gospel to every man and woman, boy and girl that I possibly can. This is one of the platforms that the Lord has put on my heart to use: this blog.
Thank you for reading our blog and if you find something on here that helps you then I thank and praise the Lord that He led you here. If you found something that touches your heart or you feel can help another person, then share it with them, please. Thank you and God bless and keep each one of us. He is faithful to continue the good work that He began in us, praise His holy name!